It has been a very long time since I have posted, but I wanted to get alot of my chest and I was inspired by DICE who put his feelings out there. Seems like a good idea.
It was all prompted by the amazing time I had at Shakes in Kalamazoo tonight. I had a great set and an even better time just shooting the shit with my friends.
In September, I became a married man. At the time I didn’t think much of it, it felt like a long time coming and I was glad it finally happened. Steph and I were together for 6 years before this happened, So to me I felt like life was right, complete and I wasn’t preparing for anything anymore. But leading up to the wedding, I was stressed out. Planing a wedding wasn’t as hard as we expected, it was quite fun! Inversely, paying for it was as stressful as it gets. My eye wouldn’t stop twitching for 6 months leading up to it.
The hardest part might of been the fact that Steph and I were living apart due to me working in Kzoo. We also had our home difficulties, be it family or work, you know, everyday life that seemed to get in the way more than anything. Not to mention we are trying to find a place to live and a place for her to work. Blech!
But the day finally came and it was awesome, things seemed to slow down and feel…correct. She looked as amazing as she actually is and our friends and family came together to see us finally make it official. We made people cry, because why not!? It was perfect
I was under this illusion that things would settle like sand in a fish tank after the fishes stopped thrashing about. But it didn’t. Money became tighter than ever, we made mistakes for being young 20 somethings. Which in all reality is fine. I feel that when we make mistakes, we can help each other. We work great with each other and know we are there for one another. She was never the problem.
The biggest problem I have is my relationship with myself, Its no secret that I have a weight problem. Emotional eating will do that to you. But its much more than that.
I grew up as a very empathetic individual,and still am! But it has seem to come at a cost, I am the LAST person I give a shit about. My opinion on myself? I’m the last person I trust, I feel there is always someone better than me when it comes to anything, and others should be prioritized due to that. My addiction to food is a cop out, I just don’t have self control and that’s lazy. Anything I do or that happens to me that is negative is well deserved and worse should happen. Positive thoughts are conceded and selfish. I AM NOT WORTH ANYTHING, time, money, love, anything. If there is a spare moment, I’m lazy if I play games or watch movies and I’m wasting time that I could be used to better myself, which needs to happen.
There are many other opinions, but you get the picture. Many times before the wedding I would call steph crying, losing my shit, telling her to run while she can. She doesn’t deserve my self hatred and negative attitude. I was beating myself up for beating myself up. And actively calling myself worthless. I hate when someone feels that way about themselves and when I see it I NEED to help, but I didn’t want steph to be burdened with such a task, because its constant, random and intense. I have had many MANY times where I have wanted to die. To not to exist, to end the pain. But whats saved my life has been steph, and this constant dialogue every time I get those thoughts.
“You are way too chicken shit to do it. How selfish of an act, stop being a pussy and get your shit together, your embarrassing yourself”
“Why are you thinking this, you are just thinking this for attention, selfish”
I find it funny right now that I could guilt myself two different ways out of a situation.
The point is, I have been crashing, wanting to burn but too chicken at the sight of the cinders.
One of the biggest signs of the change in attitude and emotions was one night at an open mic. It was Harvey’s in Kzoo run by a very good friend of mine. Set was not going well but that’s ok. But then some girl would not SHUT UP. She started to feel like she was the reason people were laughing and the attention was hers. I . Fucking. Snapped. I threw my notebook at her and told her to respect me and the others. And she laughed in my face. I couldn’t take people being so openly rude after an explanation. I yelled in her face and threw a chair onto the floor and across the floor (not at her). And stormed out.
It was awful. I felt like a monster that had released. I kept thinking back to my childhood when if I ever got angry. I was told “You cant do that” But that’s it, no how to fix it other ways. Just don’t. I was sick of being treated like an inferior person. I make sure to be the best person possible for people, don’t give me this, just change bullshit.
After that, stand up was a struggle. Everyone started calling me a legend and the hulk. Saying it was great putting that lady in her place. But anytime I hear about it, I cringe. There it is, be a nice guy and be known for being a monster. That night was my lowest point in awhile. I did a show after the wedding in October and I did ok, but someone laughed really hard at a dumb joke I had made. Not at the any previous joke but that one.
“Why the fuck would you laugh at that, its dumb and not funny” Ran through my head. I no longer cared it seemed. I had lost my drive and my funny. I stopped doing comedy. I stopped doing alot of things. Watching football, Watching tutorials, taking photos. Anything that had the potential to set off my anger I avoided. And I didn’t get better.
All my life, I have never really been given the time of day when I wanted to talk about stuff I liked, It was always met with, oh uh huh. Trying to be nice and hear me out, I know your not listening or paying attention. Don’t insult me. But I felt bad that I was bugging them So I took it out on myself. “No one cares what you think or what you like, just STFU and listen to them! They are more important than you” Its hard to get respect when no one gives it to you, including yourself. It also sucks with those who do and you don’t believe them.
Work stressed me out because, well I was doing well, which leads to people evidently leaning on you and expecting you to pick up their slack. I’m the youngest at my position and in that department, but it seems like I’m running circles around my colleges at times, yet I’m treated like a lacky. When shit didn’t go right at work and I got blamed for it, I would throw things. At work, at home, in my truck, in public. It was all crashing down. In January things came to a huge impasse.
Every time I got home I was always thinking “ok I need to do something. I need to do more pictures, you need to make money from it, but what about jokes, didn’t you quit though, idk I cant not do comedy, but it stresses you out FUCK YOU BAMA, why are you not more successful right now or not on track?”
This picture illustrates what my mind does:
I Did a show at Tom Gannon’s house to try and get back into comedy, see if I could do it. It went well, and I felt I could do it more. Yeah, its not new stuff but that’s ok, next show.
I did a show shortly after and bombed the worst I ever had. I lost it again, swore, punched walls, doors. Went outside without a coat to punish myself. Thinking I could do well, HA, yeah right. I got that feeling of wanting to end my existence. I didn’t want to be by anyone. I was in a bad situation. But I had that inner dialogue again. That was it, I need help NOW. I asked a buddy of mine, Ian, who recently survived his own attempt. I also asked my dad, because he had to have some of these feelings, were related. I asked what they do/did to help them through tough thoughts.
Both mentioned using medication and I was reluctant at first. I thought you could do it on your own, and other ways are lazy and cop outs. I have to be strong enough, but two people who I respect with relentless admiration both use it. So I have talked to my counselor about options and got great resources. The next step is to find a doc to go over options in meds with my betus and find a psychologist who can administer those meds. I may of been reluctant, but when it became uncontrollable, something needs to change.
Do I think this will solve my restlessness of needing to be better? Maybe, But all I can do is try and get more work with my photos:
And hit that stage harder. Tonight at shakes confirmed I am funny, don’t listen to me, and sometimes you just need to shoot the shit with your friends.
If you wanna talk, Im up for it, be it about me, or if you are struggling, let me know. I am VERY good at listening and giving advice, juuuuust not to myself.
Thanks for listening, I needed that.