If you tuned in to last night’s RT Podcast, you witnessed the hilarious conversation about Burnie’s fountain pen, which then led to the discovery of r/fountainpens and thusly the advent of r/fountainpenis. Somewhere in there, we realized that a lot of fountain pens on the market have names that are both painfully pretentious and ripe for sexual innuendo.
Here are some of our favorites with new sex slang definitions.
Noodler’s Nib Creaper
Here's one for the elbow fetishists out there. It’s when you jack off a dude using only your elbows.
Kawedo Ice Sport
Similar to water sports, except cooler: let your lover urinate into an ice tray, wait a few hours, then lie perfectly still as they gently place the frozen piss cubes on your body. As things heat up, so will your desires.
Alternate definition: When you’re on the peak of climax and your lover throws a hockey puck at your head, making you scream, “KAWEDO!”
Omas Ogiva Cocktail
A white Russian made with breast milk and stirred with a flaccid penis. Best served with a cocktail parasol inserted into your urethra.
Visconti Millennium Arc
Simultaneous partner broadcast of their sexual encounter via Periscope. Absolutely no eye contact can be made; only communication via smartphones is allowed.
Pilot Vanishing Point
When a dude paints his penis to resemble a Boeing 777, then recreates his conspiracy theory about the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.
When the giver of a blowjob dresses up like a proper lady from the early 1900s and receives a pearl necklace all over the lace collar.
When a dude’s pubes get so out of control his erect penis barely peeks out of the forest like a tiny mountain.
Conklin All American
When you fuck a cheeseburger in a bathroom stall at a McDonald’s, burn yourself, then have to pay a shitload at the hospital for treatment.
First, bleach your pubes. Then shave them off and store for later. When it’s time to go to the bone zone, pop your collar, throw the platinum pubes in the air, and yell, “LACROSSE!”