I still have to upload photos from RTX and write a journal for the time I spent there, but right now all I can say is that I wish that small event never came to an end. It may be silly to say, but volunteering at that event and just being there in that bubble of camaraderie and purpose was not only stressful, but strangely fulfilling. It didn't destroy my concerns about RT and its stance with the community, although those were assuaged at the end of our duty a bit, and the glow of the experience kept things pleasant for a while. I had a team, I had more common ground with friends I had already made from Sidequest and last year, but now that feeling has slipped away. I had a semblance of that thing called faith.
I miss it. I miss seeing everyone in those blasted yellow Griff shirts, I miss feeling like a part of something better than just my pathetic self that wasn't just for dollars or baubles. I miss feeling satisfaction after working and not hating what I was doing with that precious resource time. I miss meeting strangers who were not dicks and actually meant it when they asked how your day was going. I miss being genuinely thanked for helping, for being present at all. I miss getting folks riled up or excited when staff came to sign and take photos with fans and members of the community. I miss getting folks to actually chuckle or smile at my stupid jokes or attempts at banter. I miss feeling like I actually fucking mattered towards something, towards some people.
The carnival came and all was joyous and gay until it was packed up and everyone went their separate ways. I long for it to return, with the lights and the sounds of some other world, but that's not how it works. No matter how much I wish.
Promise to write a proper journal and tag everyone I can. Just tired, feeling like shite, and needed to just write something besides words of anxiety or worry.