21 year-old male from Snakes On A Plane
"The only thing standing in the way of my knowledge, is my education." - Albert Einstein.
I am me. I believe in breaking all expectations, I believe in a greater force that lies within every person. Music is a great passion of mine, from metal to, well... not metal. The two genres <_< All expressive art is amazing, performing on guitar and keyboard is quite easily the greatest feeling one can know. I also think that being silly is one of the great joys of life, there is humor in everything. Have fun with life, it's addictive.
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Cheezus Christ
Ahh, RvB. I just barely spent an hour reading all of my old journals. It is evident to me that I poured my heart and soul out into this electronic society, time and time again.
Last night I learned something, took a deep and honest look at myself, for several hours. I feel like I have gotten to know a part of me that was seemingly 'lost in translation', meaning literally: The me before I really knew myself. Reflected upon my childhood, there was so many memories that flowed through my mind, and I know now, that it was so because I had never faced the pains that became me. Very sensitive points in time were making themselves clear, I had earnestly thought that I was unaffected by my upbringing, ignorantly claiming a distanced view from every childhood year. All I was doing... Was dodging a past that made me feel pain, allowing it to control me even now, 20 years later. The truth is, I was ashamed of the person I was, as far back as even 6-7 years old. There were vital pieces of myself I left behind, that I am only becoming aware of now. My parents, my brothers and sisters and friends I had, in all actuality, did not understand me. They still do not, but a new source has been brought to my attention since then, that I am of a different sort, and I was never meant to feel 'at home' during this lifetime. But at any rate, with deep ties into religion, everyone I knew fostered an almost savage belief in certain 'things you should not do.' My parents raised me with very clear expectations, only what they could not realize is that I was incapable of meeting them, and I was made aware immediately that I could not tell my parents the truth. I did not want to believe that my entire family had been mistaken, they are still today devout in their religious structure. So I hid away the parts of myself that religion "didn't like", suppressed my sexuality as well as other aspects of expression. This is a move, that can only have violent results. Religious belief succeeded in suppressing my very essence, and ruling my entire family through fear and ignorance. I retaliated, the two main points in my life that were once good, then became subject to my hatred and complete rebellion. The rest is history for me, dark, even evil times. The paradigm shifted first to a negative direction, then back to a positive direction years later. What I failed to discover, is the fact that as a child, you learn your most core values and establish the structure for the rest of your life. You might fail to notice certain things, simply because you have never known anything different. I had ignored my childhood, but the past makes you who you are. There is nothing of you today that did not have it's rise in the past. And in the case of an upbringing, it is the absolute basis for everything after. So it is vital to life experience to know what you're basing everything on. After my personal experience, I have no doubts that you may heal any anxiety or fear you have by finding it's source within your childhood. Until then, the pain you feel will act as a blinder, blurring and clouding every childhood memory because of a subconscious desire to avoid the pain, clouding also an important part of yourself. No fear dwells within us, that is not restricting our inner aspects. - Heal your past, and you may remember it in vivid detail.
Crazy stuff... I am constantly humbled by what I don't know. I am grateful for the opportunity to progress and clear old blockages. I feel lighter, and more capable, even physically. Like a significant part of me is back in action. Fuck yeah...
In other news, there is no words for how great life is going. Everything is falling into place, and I am finding a consistent connection to the energy you might call god. I have the most amazing, gorgeous girl. Even on a spirit level we feel connected. I don't know what I did to deserve her :) - I could only hope you get to experience the way life flows for me lately. The only thought in my head I can use for explaining it, is that I love all of you. I am honored to know you. Namaste.
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