December 26th, 2009

I have chosen to make this my one stop place to vent everything that goes on in my life. So if some one is even reading this be warned, you wont like what you hear.
I feel that my life has become a load of disapointments. I have no freinds, no family and no one who will go out of there way to even see who I really am and what I stand for. My best friend has abandoned me, the girl I love has left me, the girl who I want to be with now has chosen to completely deny anything that she has admitted, and my family goes on and on about everyone but me. All of my "Freinds" dont even like me and they just tolerate me. I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago and It has really gotten to me. Not a day goes by that I dont think about suicide and how it would free me from all my pain and suffering. Its even ironic. Some one I know was talking to me one day and said that he does not understand depressed people and how they dont want to live. He said that if some one thinks theya re worthless enough to not be alive then they should kill themselves and save everyone around them the trouble of having to carry them on in life. I got to thinking about this and in closer examination of my surroundings have realized that this is how people feel about me. they dont want me around and Im just a big pain to them. I have put my family in debt and we suffer greatly from it.
Now, the girl I like, and I will not say her name in case she reads this, has opened up to me and said she likes me, but when I try to be near her and let her know how I feel tward her, she pushes me away as if she doesnt want to be with me. sometimes I wonder if she said this just to make me feel better. Sometimes I wonder if she ven knows a litle bit of how I feel toward her. Shes 14 and im 17 but I dont understand why we cant be together. Everyone around us wants it to happen but, lets face it, it wont happen. she will never want to be with a uncool, low life, shitty boyfriend. But thats all I have today. to everyone who falsifies themselves with me, FUCK YOU!