Terrorists win if you vote on issues
Two months from now we will know who our new king is. The ballots will have been cast, churches will have violated their tax-exempt status by endorsing a candidate, and Republicans will have disenfranchised as many minorities as they could. Democracy: FUCK YEAH! In the run-up, both sides will do everything they can to sway undecided voters that their candidate is the best one. Democrats will portray Obama as an intelligent advocate for the working class that is out to make their lives better. Republicans will show how McCain as a war hero that hangs out with hotties like Sarah Palin. See how it’s a tough choice? I’m completely torn! I love intelligence, functioning government, and fixing all the things that Bush broke. However, war heroes and hotties fucking rule! To break the tie, I’ve decided to do something totally un-American: judge the candidates on issues… To find out Obama’s stance on issues that are important to me, I consulted his website. After spending 11 hours searching, and finding Obama’s plans dealing with poverty, education, national service, and a lot of other things, I could not find ANYTHING dealing with the issues that are important to me. Not only am I disappointed, but I’m appalled that Senator Obama is so out of touch with my concerns that he can manage a position on something like “civil rights,†but not the things that I care about. That is no way to earn my vote! So in the spirit of the digital age, when information can be shared with less effort than it takes to shoot a wolf from a helicopter, I will outline some of the issues Senator Obama has not addressed which make it impossible for me to vote for him. 1.Lightning- Every year it kills a handful of people across America, yet Senator Obama is taking the side of this less than silent killer by not working to implement a plan to fight it! It lurks in the clouds… just waiting for someone walk through a field during a thunderstorm… and then… out of nowhere… BAM! DEAD! Since silence is compliance, we can only assume that Senator Obama supports lightning related deaths! 2.Spyware- Millions of Americans use the internet everyday. One of the fastest growing epidemics on the internet is the expansion of programs that contain some form of spyware. The problem with spyware isn’t just that it collects personal information about everyday Americans that is stored in private commercial databases, which can also be accessed by government agents, the problem is that this activity uses up bandwidth that slows down the main function of the internet: pornography. Because Senator Obama has no plan to fight spyware and speed up porn consumption, he is obviously a terrorist! 3.Zombie Invasion- Anyone who has watched HBO2 after 3am or played a Resident Evil game knows that all of our dead loved ones are going to eventually rise up and try to feast on our brains. It’s understandable that John McCain doesn’t have a plan to fight the undead hordes, since he’ll soon be leading them, but for Obama to not have a detailed plan to protect America from zombies is just irresponsible! At this point in time, I cannot pledge my vote for Barack Obama due to these missing pieces of his platform. To me, this shows that Obama does not have actual plans for the issues that matter. I also visited John McCain’s website and read his positions. He covered far fewer issues, and fewer comprehensive plans, and everything he did cover sounded like it would end up screwing me in the end. I like getting screwed, but not by old men- my days as an altar boy are done! So I have less than two months to make my decision. It will be a tough choice, but will be made a whole lot easier if the candidates would stop attacking each other and talk about something that matters: the threat posed by laser pointer radiation. |
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